lost train of thought.... AGAIN

So recently i've been feeling bitter and i can't for the life of me place my finger on what it is.... but i was a pretty happy kid growing up, or was i? my brothers all had terror stories of the havoc they caused when they were younger but surprisingly i don't and i think that bugs me. why didn't i have that 'do something totally childish and irrational nature' as a child. its almost like i was mature as a child, and no, i didn't have a clean slate either... i did the things that other kids did, like loose my grandmothers real gold earrings that my mum made me wear (i only ever managed to lose the one though, or part of one, the other was always very intact). Or come back home with disgraceful looking socks and woeful grades, and i mean WOEFUL. How i ever scaled this far education wise puzzles the s*** out of me, honest to God. Yea, so anyway i did all the regular stuff as a kid, and i wasn't quiet or nothing, when in my element i've been told to talk till the moon replaced the sun and even sometimes in my sleep. But at other times i would go quiet and think about things that had no business messing with my head and that age... but those were the things i would let consume my mind....i still think about those things now but i suppose its not frowned upon as much, as i am an adult and should be able to control my thoughts ( still can't though). when it comes at me its like a virus and hits me hard with infection. My mum still makes jokes of how i loved sleep as a child and still do now... we used to joke that at birth i was so busy sleeping during labour that the doctor had to give my ma an emergency c-section. but i don't think it was that at all... i think sleep was the place i would run to justify not being able to control the rapid spreading infection. you're not in control of your thoughts when you sleep, and i'd much rather prefer my mind being taken over in a peaceful state than when i was awake and somehow aware of what was happening. even when i have nightmares, i wake up sobbing and still run back to the same sleep to get away from it. i suppose in your dreams you live your thoughts, so you can sort of see what their like in action or watch yourself go through the motions. somethings when thoughts are acted out they're not all bad and other things you just have to keep as thoughts and never more. i say i can't watch horror flicks cause i don't wanna give my mind something to work on when i'm 'unaware'...some horrifying things i see scare me and not because of the disturbing nature of the scene....no not that, but because i've already thought bout it without any inspiration.... just all on my own and sometimes a whole lot worse....but here i am again running against my mind, i've now lost the finishing line and i'm lost in general.... *sigh of frustration* happens all the time, reasons why i don't do this often...the min i wake my mind up and shove and kick for inspiration it wakes.... but only out of anger...and to spite me, it runs faster than i am able to catch up and i get lost... irritated and surrender....