today i feel out of my depth... i went in too deep and too quick. all supporting forces have crumbled or dissolved and if i have to be honest, I don't what I'm doing any more. a lot of my time recently has gone into reconsidering things that i formerly stood my ground for. i am no longer able to come to terms with things i was willing to fight for. nothing makes sense anymore. i feel dizzy like someone pulled a fast one on me... the rug from under my feet they say. i feel like the advices people offered some how now make sense but it's too late because the time and place has a eluded me so i have firmly missed on opportunities. I'm afraid i might have gotten myself into something that i wasn't prepared for... but my stubborn nature won't let me admit it... too many people involved and waiting for my downfall... and plus I've been so indecisive lately that I'm not sure if this is what the problem actually is. i play the same song over and over again because they take me to a place where words are enough... there's no progression just familiarity.... the simplest things send me into a panic...I'm increasingly paranoid and somewhat disconnected from the rest of me. i dread moments to myself because reflecting is no longer something i am comfortable with. i think this is what happens when u build a life around something or someone unstable... the minute uncertainty sets in your world is shaken and you become unsure. i now feel the need to go back and rethink because i can't remember how i got here and all the people i dragged with me. i feel out of my depth and the things that made me smile and calm seldom do so anymore... I'm now out in the open seeking hiding. i just feel out of my depth... writing no longer revives me, the smile never reaches my eyes and i laugh hard at the simple things to stop myself from crying... i wake up with dread and i generally just don't know anymore... i sit still and listen to music.... its on the loudest so it cuts out the mental nagging but its never quite loud enough to numb the tugging feeling in my heart...the only inspiration i get is to explain this gloom i wallow in...i feel out my depth and everything eludes me... i go back on promises made to myself in the space of a day all in a desperate attempt to seek peace of mind. i can't remember what i stand for and because of this, i am passed by without any recognition..... i am no longer aware of things i should hold on to, can't determine what affects me so i just watch... today i feel out of my depth....
