I recently got some news this morning that made me seriously think. I mean at first it scared the crap out of me. I mean here I was, and for a while the only thing I've ever known is being in a relationship with someone who needed me to be there. That was the reason for me to stick it through the shit times…. because I was needed. Which kinda makes me wonder on how sufficient that reason actually is, I mean obviously I would love the person and blah blah, but for me it was really just the 'needing me part' that got me hooked. It like fucks with yourself worth or something… that feeling of importance and value you cannot get from anywhere else apart from your relationship. So that was it, I was used to being needed, and I was super convinced that the person I was with super needed me, you know, like I was a vital organ or something. And then in the wee hours of the morning I'm told that he made it through a couple of days without me and somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a crack and a deafening shatter! The panic starts rising and threatens to drown me and from the thought of that I start fretting. Tummy starts churning, palms start sweating and the heart grows hard. So I do what most people would do in that situation and I start to pack up my emotional things and back away slowly… see what I'm doing here… I'm just about ready to get the fuck out! Then it occurs to me that I can't keep doing this… someday I'm going to need somebody, I'm going to need somebody more than they need me… and no it doesn't mean that I have never needed anyone, oh I have but for odd reasons. You see I've always super needed someone to need me, that's was the end and start of my dependence…anything else that came after that was sorta extra…but being needed was the starting point for me. So there I was in the wee hours of the morning, sitting in the dark in my jammies, on the phone and the panic washing over me was reaching dangerous levels! Ended up going to bed with that panic which probably explains me waking up a couple of hours later sleep deprived… took a minute out to really think about it. No one really needs anyone; forget maslows hierarchy of needs for a second…. You ever been with someone that made you literally crap yourself when the issue of a break up was discussed?? And obviously you left that person and how are you now?? Doing good right? Even better you may say? And how is your heart…still beating and altogether? You see!!! We just make ourselves believe that we won't be able to go on, but we can, we so can! And I envy the people living out there who go through life without really needing anyone; gosh the emotional freedom must really be something, like exhilarating! No no no! Don't get me wrong, you can still be with people…. But just imagine not having to crap yourself if it doesn't work out. We shouldn't be threatened into commitment and genuine effort because you need someone…. that will never end well! You should be there because you want to be there, I know need and want are two different things but I'd much rather be with someone who wants to be with me even though he doesn't need to be. The whole need thing just sounds a bit 'being held against my will'-ish. It's like I'm here because I have to be but if I was given the option I wouldn't…OUCH! I don't want that! So now I know and I'm happy cus I'm with someone that is with cus he wants to be not because his life depends on it. Now all I have to do is figure out how to stop needing my other halves to need me, oh boy! *sigh*
