I NEED to be with you…errr no thanks

I recently got some news this morning that made me seriously think. I mean at first it scared the crap out of me. I mean here I was, and for a while the only thing I've ever known is being in a relationship with someone who needed me to be there. That was the reason for me to stick it through the shit times…. because I was needed. Which kinda makes me wonder on how sufficient that reason actually is, I mean obviously I would love the person and blah blah, but for me it was really just the 'needing me part' that got me hooked. It like fucks with yourself worth or something… that feeling of importance and value you cannot get from anywhere else apart from your relationship. So that was it, I was used to being needed, and I was super convinced that the person I was with super needed me, you know, like I was a vital organ or something. And then in the wee hours of the morning I'm told that he made it through a couple of days without me and somewhere in the back of my mind I hear a crack and a deafening shatter! The panic starts rising and threatens to drown me and from the thought of that I start fretting. Tummy starts churning, palms start sweating and the heart grows hard. So I do what most people would do in that situation and I start to pack up my emotional things and back away slowly… see what I'm doing here… I'm just about ready to get the fuck out! Then it occurs to me that I can't keep doing this… someday I'm going to need somebody, I'm going to need somebody more than they need me… and no it doesn't mean that I have never needed anyone, oh I have but for odd reasons. You see I've always super needed someone to need me, that's was the end and start of my dependence…anything else that came after that was sorta extra…but being needed was the starting point for me. So there I was in the wee hours of the morning, sitting in the dark in my jammies, on the phone and the panic washing over me was reaching dangerous levels! Ended up going to bed with that panic which probably explains me waking up a couple of hours later sleep deprived… took a minute out to really think about it. No one really needs anyone; forget maslows hierarchy of needs for a second…. You ever been with someone that made you literally crap yourself when the issue of a break up was discussed?? And obviously you left that person and how are you now?? Doing good right? Even better you may say? And how is your heart…still beating and altogether? You see!!! We just make ourselves believe that we won't be able to go on, but we can, we so can! And I envy the people living out there who go through life without really needing anyone; gosh the emotional freedom must really be something, like exhilarating! No no no! Don't get me wrong, you can still be with people…. But just imagine not having to crap yourself if it doesn't work out. We shouldn't be threatened into commitment and genuine effort because you need someone…. that will never end well! You should be there because you want to be there, I know need and want are two different things but I'd much rather be with someone who wants to be with me even though he doesn't need to be. The whole need thing just sounds a bit 'being held against my will'-ish. It's like I'm here because I have to be but if I was given the option I wouldn't…OUCH! I don't want that! So now I know and I'm happy cus I'm with someone that is with cus he wants to be not because his life depends on it. Now all I have to do is figure out how to stop needing my other halves to need me, oh boy! *sigh*

*sigh*....

today i feel out of my depth... i went in too deep and too quick. all supporting forces have crumbled or dissolved and if i have to be honest, I don't what I'm doing any more. a lot of my time recently has gone into reconsidering things that i formerly stood my ground for. i am no longer able to come to terms with things i was willing to fight for. nothing makes sense anymore. i feel dizzy like someone pulled a fast one on me... the rug from under my feet they say. i feel like the advices people offered some how now make sense but it's too late because the time and place has a eluded me so i have firmly missed on opportunities. I'm afraid i might have gotten myself into something that i wasn't prepared for... but my stubborn nature won't let me admit it... too many people involved and waiting for my downfall... and plus I've been so indecisive lately that I'm not sure if this is what the problem actually is. i play the same song over and over again because they take me to a place where words are enough... there's no progression just familiarity.... the simplest things send me into a panic...I'm increasingly paranoid and somewhat disconnected from the rest of me. i dread moments to myself because reflecting is no longer something i am comfortable with. i think this is what happens when u build a life around something or someone unstable... the minute uncertainty sets in your world is shaken and you become unsure. i now feel the need to go back and rethink because i can't remember how i got here and all the people i dragged with me. i feel out of my depth and the things that made me smile and calm seldom do so anymore... I'm now out in the open seeking hiding. i just feel out of my depth... writing no longer revives me, the smile never reaches my eyes and i laugh hard at the simple things to stop myself from crying... i wake up with dread and i generally just don't know anymore... i sit still and listen to music.... its on the loudest so it cuts out the mental nagging but its never quite loud enough to numb the tugging feeling in my heart...the only inspiration i get is to explain this gloom i wallow in...i feel out my depth and everything eludes me... i go back on promises made to myself in the space of a day all in a desperate attempt to seek peace of mind. i can't remember what i stand for and because of this, i am passed by without any recognition..... i am no longer aware of things i should hold on to, can't determine what affects me so i just watch... today i feel out of my depth....

Junkie

So I have recently lost all mediums of expressing myself because nowadays nothing is private anymore. Everywhere and everyone is connected or somehow linked so you can’t exactly say anything without someone reading it. But I like it here; people don’t about it or looks for it so for now it’s still just mine. Twitter used to be it for me, but sadly not anymore. You could just get on and vent about anything, express yourself in words only coherent to you but these days there a zillion people ready to decipher or decode anything the minute you press enter. I guess some people like that sort of attention and I cannot lie, I do too sometimes, but not all the time or most of the time. I actually need a medium of expressing myself like medication. I’m not aware of the sort of person I am yet and thoughts, my thoughts and can be very consuming, depending on the thought itself it could be a bad or good thing. I need somewhere to dump my thoughts; that used to be twitter, but these days it’s so cleaned up with people you know that the excitement of saying something random and having someone you have never met or heard of responding aptly or relating to you. Now you can say something and predict responses and from who. So these days it’s another place I have to go and pretend because the real me don’t need no audience to be ME. It is hard to explain I admit but it’s the one part of me I understand. I think I have accepted that I am not the average but neither am I special, maybe just different. With college and my never ending plans I am fully booked mental wise but I still feel that void once in a while. I’m getting better at realising when God is looking for my attention; He has this way of taking my peace away. I know to some this might seem like nothing but with thoughts like mine it’s a wonder how I am ever able to stay calm, but I know why. Its God, his peace is like my drug, I can do anything for it, not having His Divine peace is like being a container housing these consuming thoughts, or constantly having your vision whipped from side to side violently. I need His peace more than you can ever imagine. Maybe I was made this way so I would always have a link back to God, so that I would always be dependent; because if that was the plan its working beautifully, I will forever hooked to my God. But apart from my junkie like devotion there other things that keep me coming back to Him. He is a loving Father to a very undeserving child, Me. The amount of times I have asked him for direction and safety for plans I know were out of line is crazy! But not half as crazy as the amount of times they have been answered. And how He gets me is what really and truly trips, I know I am tiny and insignificant but at that moment in time I feel Big. I feel special; I feel like royalty that the Almighty can spare time to come see about me! Wow! You know, I’ve somehow forgotten about what this post was supposed to be about but oddly I feel lighter and happier already, no need to carry on…. Like I said He has a way of keeping me linked… Thank You God for everything and for the things I never got round to saying….

"I'm Pregnant"

“I’m pregnant”



She still stood there and so did he… she anticipated the silence and stare of shock but she couldn’t help but wonder if he now saw her different, perhaps less attractive. It was a bit silly she knew as she was only about three weeks gone and there were no major changes in her body yet…but thinking about something a little less serious than the news she had just delivered seemed appropriate. Plus she’s had the whole of last week to go through what he was presently going through… thoughts spamming his beautiful mind, panic climbing up his spine, taking its time to get to his brain. She decide to go hold his hand in hers, she had anticipated a slight rebuff on his part and she had warned herself seriously not to read into it because it didn’t mean he didn’t love her anymore just a reaction coming from the shock… surprisingly as soon as she reached him and took his hands in hers he grabbed her into a tight hold and squeezed. She wasn’t expecting this… the emotion she could feel through him caught her off guard plus the fact that her hormones were going off on tangents… she started crying… unaware if it was because she was now scared or moved by just how overwhelming this really was; she pushed aside all silly thoughts she had been entertaining all day. What were they going to do? She finally realised that she wasn’t ready to hear what he wanted to do because she had just unconsciously realised that she wanted this baby… no matter how crazy it was… but keeping it without him defeated the purpose. Having something half hers half his, truly theirs inside of her had formed a mental protective shield of any options that involved getting rid what was inside of her. Her hear thumped faster now, she felt her palms gather sweat… his heart beat was fast but at the same time slower than hers…. What were they going to do? She loved him and in the past had done anything for the sake of what they shared but now she was faced with the one thing that could jeopardise that and yet she couldn’t budge on her unconscious decision. He has to want it too, he has too she demanded in prayer silently. This wasn’t totally out of the plan for their lives, just about two years early, but the important thing was that it was in the plan. They could work it out; she knew it but just not how. She hadn’t stopped to consider the respective families involved, right now she was in a bubble… it always happened when she was with, she somehow always managed to exist in a world with just the two of them… she knew he could face the rest of the world if she could just get the foundation started right here between them… he pulled her away looked at her, she still couldn’t read his expression but it didn’t look bad or terminal so she relaxed a bit. Felt like her heart expanded a bit with the stare they held… he finally asked the question she was expecting but still not ready for … “what we going to do?”…. she couldn’t just blurt out that she wanted to keep it… as unlikely as it was, she couldn’t have him thinking that she planned this all along. She didn’t… and she wasn’t mad either. She didn’t know the first thing about situations like this and in the craziness going on in her head all that stood out was the fact that she had to keep it… not overly religious but coming from a Godly enough home she knew this much… God never gave you things He knew you couldn’t handle, and He would never joke with a gift that many others were waiting on him for. There had to be a meaning to this… crazy how she had come to all these conclusions on her own in the space of a week. “I think WE should keep it”… a look of slight horror and shock flashed across his face…. Caused her tummy to churn in a sickening way despite her current state of constant nausea…. “ I don’t think I’m ready for this” he said…. “ neither am I but I know we can work this out, I know we can” she said…she walked up to him as he was now backing her and held him from the waist…. “ I don’t know the first thing about this but having you makes all the difference in the world” she whispered….. He turned around and she expected to have pulled at some of his heart strings but his face no longer reflected horror or shock just a blank stare… “I don’t want this, I’m just not ready for this now, and you know we can’t handle this NOW. See sense in what I’m saying, what would your parents say? We have to get rid of IT” she walked away startled like she had just been burnt… in an unfamiliar state all she could muster was “No”….. He held her by the shoulders, stared into her face and said “you have to do this for us”... Quick flashback to all the things she HAD done for this relationship, it was endless but she somehow couldn’t shake this one off…. This was bizarrely what she wanted… it was hers too and if he loved her he would consider it… no matter how absurd it was… “No”, she said again… he let go of her shoulders, looked away from her and said “well I can’t support you in this decision” the tears came down her face hot and fast… she felt betrayal amongst other things….

lost train of thought.... AGAIN

So recently i've been feeling bitter and i can't for the life of me place my finger on what it is.... but i was a pretty happy kid growing up, or was i? my brothers all had terror stories of the havoc they caused when they were younger but surprisingly i don't and i think that bugs me. why didn't i have that 'do something totally childish and irrational nature' as a child. its almost like i was mature as a child, and no, i didn't have a clean slate either... i did the things that other kids did, like loose my grandmothers real gold earrings that my mum made me wear (i only ever managed to lose the one though, or part of one, the other was always very intact). Or come back home with disgraceful looking socks and woeful grades, and i mean WOEFUL. How i ever scaled this far education wise puzzles the s*** out of me, honest to God. Yea, so anyway i did all the regular stuff as a kid, and i wasn't quiet or nothing, when in my element i've been told to talk till the moon replaced the sun and even sometimes in my sleep. But at other times i would go quiet and think about things that had no business messing with my head and that age... but those were the things i would let consume my mind....i still think about those things now but i suppose its not frowned upon as much, as i am an adult and should be able to control my thoughts ( still can't though). when it comes at me its like a virus and hits me hard with infection. My mum still makes jokes of how i loved sleep as a child and still do now... we used to joke that at birth i was so busy sleeping during labour that the doctor had to give my ma an emergency c-section. but i don't think it was that at all... i think sleep was the place i would run to justify not being able to control the rapid spreading infection. you're not in control of your thoughts when you sleep, and i'd much rather prefer my mind being taken over in a peaceful state than when i was awake and somehow aware of what was happening. even when i have nightmares, i wake up sobbing and still run back to the same sleep to get away from it. i suppose in your dreams you live your thoughts, so you can sort of see what their like in action or watch yourself go through the motions. somethings when thoughts are acted out they're not all bad and other things you just have to keep as thoughts and never more. i say i can't watch horror flicks cause i don't wanna give my mind something to work on when i'm 'unaware'...some horrifying things i see scare me and not because of the disturbing nature of the scene....no not that, but because i've already thought bout it without any inspiration.... just all on my own and sometimes a whole lot worse....but here i am again running against my mind, i've now lost the finishing line and i'm lost in general.... *sigh of frustration* happens all the time, reasons why i don't do this often...the min i wake my mind up and shove and kick for inspiration it wakes.... but only out of anger...and to spite me, it runs faster than i am able to catch up and i get lost... irritated and surrender....

DEAR SISTER

My sister, I'm aware that we are to some extent unaware of each other, but still I call you this, from one woman to another..... I call you my sister. I must commend you on your beauty and worth, because no matter how horribly discoloured our souls and hearts maybe they are still worth something, be it nothing at all. I also commend you on all your efforts despite them being regrettably futile..... because at first you see, it might have seemed like you were reaping the fruit of your labour after sowing your seeds in a field that was never yours.... but money makes the world go round they say, and those that say money it isn't everything, are the ones that don't have it.


You thought you could buy this particular field, and congratulations are in order, because it became yours. The funny thing though was that there was nothing uncommonly attractive about this thing you so adamantly sought. But the love and hope I had was infectious and you were hooked. It became your obsession for maybe the poorest of reasons, I will never know. You watched as a sister parted with her investments in silence, you heard the heavy sobs that travelled through the night, but you shut your window. I was a sister but at that moment, guilt left you with a blind eye towards me. And besides, how could you ever see? I was absent from the transaction, and you absent for the loud cracks of my heart and starvation on grief. Your palace high and lofty, no real reason for you to look down below....not even for a sister. So night in and out I rocked myself back and forth missing the one thing that was truly mine. The town's people soon made me the heard but unseen, I was written off as an outcast. With time I gained back what was left of me and thought no more of the departed. I gave up sowing seeds for fear of having yet another part of me bargained away in my absence; I regained myself and spirit and silenced the whispers of mourning ( I was ONLY able to silence them).


It wasn't long before disaster and melancholy followed suit. Your new purchase at first bore plants at a speedy rate, strong and beautiful, you were proud. You boasted of your obvious triumph, those were your seeds blossoming at an alarming rate. But as fast as they blossomed so did they die. You panicked and it caused you great grief at twilight, well wishers of before stood by the way side puzzled. You howled into the night in pain and shame, still no reflection of your past. This field had been YOUR possession, you protested. Your happiness; it had kept you upright in the eye of the public. This thing that you had invested so much in now made a fool of you in the presence of your advisors. The same advisors who cheered you on when you gained possession of it, now stood in your court licking your ego in the most condescending of ways. But still your pain and genuine unhappiness would haunt you at night because unknown to them, this field was YOUR EVERYTHING! So many seeds sown at late hours of the night in secrecy, seeds that you couldn't let anyone know about, not even your advisors, now all wasted. And that was the cause of your greatest pain, the lost of these seeds, what could have blossomed but now, never will. With time the shame became unbearable, this field was barren, the  sight of it was as unpleasant as the significance it held. You ordered its removal, claiming it had been laced with infestations from the start. 


At first I did not know what to do with it, it was my possession when it left but came back something a bit different. For days I watched on with no action. I was reluctant to sow anything for fear of going through YOUR heart ache. Your pain had become legendary and I was in no rush to add to that particular history. But still there was something in me aching to get out there... Weeks flew with still nothing and I watched on. But at the first sign of growth I began to feel alive again, as though I myself were growing too. I worked hard at its restoration, it took some time. mother nature had been interfered with, its natural course had not been run and damage sat deep in the roots. Day and night I toiled.... my blood...... my sweat.... my tears. But as usual you were not there to witness my care, so you could never have known. But is it or was it enough to assume that as your only flaw?


 You are a sister, and as one you would have felt all that I feel for this field in your past, and you should have recognised the truth and pureness of it all. But sadly you must have been consumed with a hunger and need so deep that instincts failed you. I became INVISIBLE and you INVINCIBLE. But still on nights like this where  I sit and muse over my possession, I cannot help but wonder about you, a sister. My heart aches for you. I shed hidden tears for you and your loss, because even though rage so vivid should nest in my soul, I cannot help but feel not for you but with you. I too am a sister and feel only what you feel but will not show. I too have looked on others covetously and felt my heart turn green, but atlas, it was all I can do.....just look. See I am moved by ownership and self worth. I believe in letting your possession claim you and not you claiming what has not chosen you. So, on nights like these, I pray such attributes on you, that they my guide you to what is truly yours..... Because when the nights are darkest and cold, it is enough to warm you from the inside, it is enough to generate a bubble of peace for yourself.... and most importantly it is enough for you to never lose sight of a SISTER.

Inspiration>>>> The Very Talented BEZ "MORE YOU"

Bez - More You from Kemi Adetiba on Vimeo.


I want more u, to make me feel.....

'Cause at times i see but can’t touch you and it hits me that taunt is her name and illusion is her game,

But i want more you, more me, more us...

I want more.... more of what we wanted.

More of the beginning and the sweetness it brought with ...

Now we are carved images in our own home... our home my heart....

Resounding echoes of heart beats from long ago.

We stand, faces turned away from one another but we're honestly turned away from the truth....

WE are truth... we are or were THE truth,  we were made to shame them...

Them the scoffers.... their bait, impending doom and the destruction of our right...

We are together but this internal war has been waged for so long,
death seems an apt exit.

You’re here, I’m here... but our absence lurks in shadows of our past union.

The FORGOTTEN...

 And from death, more of you i still want...

to touch your solids.... and stare at your hearts surface,

Waiting an eternity, if i have to for the flesh to move,
signify life again...

I want more you.... yes you...

I want more you and none of them.... just you

Come touch me and end the soft but penetrating aches streaming through my chest...

Come love me in this blizzard, make me still in the eye of it all,
calm me from within...

Yes i want more you...fists of you... buckets of you, just more...

But sometimes...
the more of you i get the more my heart hardens.
i try to let the warmth in...

completely open but all i feel is cold... and the painful process of the my heart changing.

But yet i want more you....
can not tell u more of what exactly...

What drives me, 
i do not understand.... 
is it the hope i feel or the assurance of pain....

Or YOU...
I do not know, but i want more...

More of whatever it is you offer...
 forever and ever comes into play

Whatever you dish i will always want more given that it is always you ...

More.... i want....

I want more you....