#untitled

You know some times it’s so dark and I feel like i can feel it hugging me. I know i can’t see anything but i hear it in my head so i reach out anyway, i stumble around literally blindly. But somehow you find me. I don’t know how, but you always find me, you always get me. The amount of unending falls i have fallen and the amount of times you have swooped me in your arms.... you are my angel..... My undeserving angel. You carry me through everything. Through the thickest forest with branches snatching at me, you walk boldly and part ways for me with the aura of Moses and i am speechless all the time..... i am in love every time and stay in love..... How can i not? You are my prince charming and i laugh because my fairytale has not been written yet, but with you i am at least certain that i will have one. Your presence promises me things i am not even bold enough to dream about, stories that i am too scared to read because i know they will never be mine..... But then you’re here and it would be plain insulting of me to not to grab these dreams that i have unconsciously put on pedestals. The outlines of who i am are more defined when you take my hands in yours, and the riot in my head comes to a halt. i am somehow magically able to control things.... i walk boldly just the way you taught me by simply walking with me. I am in straight awe of you and how you have made me feel like art.... i feel abstract but it doesn’t scare me cause you define me effortlessly without words. Smiles of yours have carved love hearts on my chest....when presented with the question ‘what are you?’ i say, ‘i am wise, different, i am loving, i am in the making, i am THE princess, i am happily ever’ because of you, i am bold as brass in the face of this question.... you have become me time and time again when i wasn’t enough, but finally i can say i am you...... and it feels good.

This Lover of Mine......

This Lover of mine..... *insert smiley face here* Where do I start?  Just where do I start, and how? I mean this lover of mine; it's hard for me to find the words to even just start. I cannot give the definition of this lover of mine, I am not even sure if love is big enough. The way He has me is scary, sometimes I run from the sheer intensity of it. The fact that I can find no understanding in the love makes me not want to think about. It is unmerited, I am the most undeserving, and I have proved that point every day. But this lover of mine just won't give in. I have closed my eyes at night and expected them never to open again, that kind of undeserving is what I am. Never in life has an individual been as hurtful as I have been to this lover of mine. He has seen the dirtiest and most hateful things about me, but still loves. I doubt he has have ever seen the loving side of me, and yet He still loves. The love sometimes makes me angry, because at some stage I feel like it's almost mocking and sneering at me. This love has made me paranoid and nearly driven me mad. You cannot fathom why and how such a love can exist in this constant orbit of hate, but it engulfs and surpasses any form of hate, even the ones hell worthy. Think of the most unforgiving thing and my Lover has, can and will beat it. My God! This lover! Where do I start without tears rushing down my face and guilt stabbing deep into the beating thing in my chest, just where? This love gets me lost every time I try to break it down. And it's just not any run of the mill lover, no no no, this lover is 'THE' Lover! What he commands on the daily is tremble worthy, what he holds in his hand brings you to your knees! Imagine running intentionally in the opposite direction of what you really need because of fear of the kind of love this lover possesses for you. It's like living with the manufacturer but going out of your way to question the product. The product that has no understanding, the product that you know cannot answer your questions. Yes my Lover is the manufacturer of...... EVERYTHING. He manufactured the beating thing in my chest and the two things that keep sighing in my chest. He also manufactured my ten years from now and then some. And can you imagine me waking up every morning and not saying anything to this lover of mine? Going to bed angry and refusing to talk to this lover of mine, the sheer the stupidity of me is baffling at best! Or, just imagine me going round on this earth for months confused about what will happen next when my lover is the manufacturer of my future???? Do you know how insulting it is when I try to control the gift he has given me, trying to make myself the manufacturer of my own life! And my lover could blink and take this gift away from me, but He doesn't! You see why I was saying that this love is CRAZY and how love isn't a big enough word, I mean how do you even start to explain that? Can you explain it? I live with a King but I'm hell bent on being a common and then have the nerve to complain in rage even though the option to live majestically has been given since birth. This lover of mine..... This lover of mine.... This lover of mine..... What can I say, I guess it's just God..... Literally

........

I wanted to make him happy,so i made a cake, you know to prove to him that there was no qualms about the other night. I mean i was in his house, it was the least i could do.But everything just seemed so weird now from how we had originally planned it. Not that we had anything concrete planned, but the outlines were starting to look promising....but I should have known that we were both stuck in the moment, or in transit...the transit we had to make from the unexpected back to the expected. That gap never takes long to close. But we made plans anyway and last night happened. it could have been better, it was odd, granted, but it could have been better, we're much more capable of a better performance, we've got it in us....I know we do. But it was all so pitiful and childish. We had made it this far, the least we could do was make the sex worth while...you know, go with the motions and not be too attached....it would be a case of ' get mine, you get yours'. I  mean it could have been anything and yet it was just 'that'. Not that i'm easy or nothing but I was willing to engage in something more productive than our ' who can keep silent the longest game', don't get me wrong, its fun and all, but I just prefer the idea of both of us tumbling around loudly in pleasure, no?

I mean the most awkward thing that could happen between us has already happened, so why all the squirming.

It's just day after day of passing him in hall ways, with mumbles of pleasantries that I have now chosen to ignore. But its driving me crazy because its there! I've seen it when I caught him looking at me while I was changing, I felt it when I caught a glimpse of him topless. I've imagined it when his hand brushed against my thigh unintentionally.He felt that spark, I can tell from the way he quickly withdrew his hand.....like it was heat. Imagine what we could make with all this. Imagine stories we could illustrate with all this! We could howl and moan un-composed melodies into the night! If only he would just think about it....if only i could grab his hand and take him up into my mind, if only I could give him a tour of our grand plans. Probably never be able to take his hands in mine, not with his whole being barricaded around me. So much so that I'm beginning to feel like a monster. I'm beginning to feel like I could hurt him...Surely all this guard can't be up for me? Unless... wait a minute...unless I get to him. Unless I have an effect on him....I do, don't I, have a effect on him? Either way I would like to be able to stretch my hand towards him with out him flinching away like I'm diseased. But that will always be it and all this has been in my head. Maybe I did think up that one fantastic night where we gave it our all and fell away from each other exhausted and satisfied....but my God did it feel real! And what about that spark, i felt it and so did he, so I mustn't be making this thing up. He has been caught starring at me as if he was offering me the lead role in his favorite fantasy. And at night I have been caught watching him sleep. But still with all this we are both dead and somehow prisoners to what our bodies truly what to say to each other. I'm other his skin, I know it! But i don't know what to do with it. So, now I bake a cake, you know, to show him that there were no hard feelings about our futile efforts to recreate that first night..... I just can't help but wonder still... 

first rant......

They say I’m too complicated, that I look too deep into things. They say I need to calm down and that I’m too emotional for my own good, an over-thinker is what they call me. But am in wrong to want to be with someone? Am I just too into things, am I the only one that feels nowadays? Has having feelings really become overrated? What do you do when you’ve hit it off with someone and you feel engulfed with emotions and it’s not the type you can keep its either you give it up or watch it destroy you...... breaks you up sanity by sanity! When you’re with this person or around this person you have to hide the smile that’s threatening to rip your face in half or the glow that emits from you when they brush up against you. Do they know how hard it is to keep yourself in check when you’re around this person? You have to have your guard up but for the wrong reasons, these guards aren’t for your protection but for the protection of the one you desire. It’s a lot of effort and it wears you down, these guards begin to get so heavy and eventually start leaving bruises all over you. The pain you feel is unmerited. Who knew that there could be such a punishment for genuine likeness?  A punishment for wanting to be with someone in the purest of ways. Who knew LIKE could be so dangerous... scares me to think what LOVE will bring. It scares me to do anything, sometimes to even breathe, like there’s a penalty for that. Nowadays it feels like the simple and natural things are the ones with the heaviest price. And I don’t get it anymore, I just don’t.... I think I might be done. I am told that I still have to go through maturity because I am easily overwhelmed by my emotions, which might be true, but at this point I am on my knees begging God with all the will power he has bestowed on me and asking him for the heart of a robot! So i can go through life and spend time with those i should easily feel for and not have to. I want the heart of a robot, one that cannot feel, that cannot hurt, will not break and needs no guards or protection..... The fact that it feels nothing is as much protection as its ever going to need. I am tired of being looked at as the girl who always wants and always likes and gets suicidal when it can never be anything more. But if only they knew of the time that has passed with just regular heart beats, with no glow, with no warmth, with no touch......then maybe they would understand why i become so fierce when presented with an opportunity to feel something. Half or most of the year I AM a ROBOT, and when you give a robot the chance at a life they could kill for it...... it’s like giving sight to the  blind man and expecting him to politely decline..... Which some would do because change scares them, but not me. All I want is to give a little insight and gain understanding. To let you see that because you have met me in this state does not mean I have known nothing else, does not mean that I lack maturity, grace or control. You see me ruthless and irrational and then proceed to count my years, looking for reasons. But you know not where I come from or where I desire to be. You met me a little way into my journey and attempt to sum me up, and then you call me naive and ignorant. I have waited to feel, I have prayed to feel and that’s all i have ever done..... I have not attempted to write out history based on my own feelings or change anyone’s future..... So what crime have I really committed? But not to fear I’m sure my prayers for a new heart will soon be answered and all will be dead and gloomed in the world again.