This Lover of Mine......

This Lover of mine..... *insert smiley face here* Where do I start?  Just where do I start, and how? I mean this lover of mine; it's hard for me to find the words to even just start. I cannot give the definition of this lover of mine, I am not even sure if love is big enough. The way He has me is scary, sometimes I run from the sheer intensity of it. The fact that I can find no understanding in the love makes me not want to think about. It is unmerited, I am the most undeserving, and I have proved that point every day. But this lover of mine just won't give in. I have closed my eyes at night and expected them never to open again, that kind of undeserving is what I am. Never in life has an individual been as hurtful as I have been to this lover of mine. He has seen the dirtiest and most hateful things about me, but still loves. I doubt he has have ever seen the loving side of me, and yet He still loves. The love sometimes makes me angry, because at some stage I feel like it's almost mocking and sneering at me. This love has made me paranoid and nearly driven me mad. You cannot fathom why and how such a love can exist in this constant orbit of hate, but it engulfs and surpasses any form of hate, even the ones hell worthy. Think of the most unforgiving thing and my Lover has, can and will beat it. My God! This lover! Where do I start without tears rushing down my face and guilt stabbing deep into the beating thing in my chest, just where? This love gets me lost every time I try to break it down. And it's just not any run of the mill lover, no no no, this lover is 'THE' Lover! What he commands on the daily is tremble worthy, what he holds in his hand brings you to your knees! Imagine running intentionally in the opposite direction of what you really need because of fear of the kind of love this lover possesses for you. It's like living with the manufacturer but going out of your way to question the product. The product that has no understanding, the product that you know cannot answer your questions. Yes my Lover is the manufacturer of...... EVERYTHING. He manufactured the beating thing in my chest and the two things that keep sighing in my chest. He also manufactured my ten years from now and then some. And can you imagine me waking up every morning and not saying anything to this lover of mine? Going to bed angry and refusing to talk to this lover of mine, the sheer the stupidity of me is baffling at best! Or, just imagine me going round on this earth for months confused about what will happen next when my lover is the manufacturer of my future???? Do you know how insulting it is when I try to control the gift he has given me, trying to make myself the manufacturer of my own life! And my lover could blink and take this gift away from me, but He doesn't! You see why I was saying that this love is CRAZY and how love isn't a big enough word, I mean how do you even start to explain that? Can you explain it? I live with a King but I'm hell bent on being a common and then have the nerve to complain in rage even though the option to live majestically has been given since birth. This lover of mine..... This lover of mine.... This lover of mine..... What can I say, I guess it's just God..... Literally