........

I wanted to make him happy,so i made a cake, you know to prove to him that there was no qualms about the other night. I mean i was in his house, it was the least i could do.But everything just seemed so weird now from how we had originally planned it. Not that we had anything concrete planned, but the outlines were starting to look promising....but I should have known that we were both stuck in the moment, or in transit...the transit we had to make from the unexpected back to the expected. That gap never takes long to close. But we made plans anyway and last night happened. it could have been better, it was odd, granted, but it could have been better, we're much more capable of a better performance, we've got it in us....I know we do. But it was all so pitiful and childish. We had made it this far, the least we could do was make the sex worth while...you know, go with the motions and not be too attached....it would be a case of ' get mine, you get yours'. I  mean it could have been anything and yet it was just 'that'. Not that i'm easy or nothing but I was willing to engage in something more productive than our ' who can keep silent the longest game', don't get me wrong, its fun and all, but I just prefer the idea of both of us tumbling around loudly in pleasure, no?

I mean the most awkward thing that could happen between us has already happened, so why all the squirming.

It's just day after day of passing him in hall ways, with mumbles of pleasantries that I have now chosen to ignore. But its driving me crazy because its there! I've seen it when I caught him looking at me while I was changing, I felt it when I caught a glimpse of him topless. I've imagined it when his hand brushed against my thigh unintentionally.He felt that spark, I can tell from the way he quickly withdrew his hand.....like it was heat. Imagine what we could make with all this. Imagine stories we could illustrate with all this! We could howl and moan un-composed melodies into the night! If only he would just think about it....if only i could grab his hand and take him up into my mind, if only I could give him a tour of our grand plans. Probably never be able to take his hands in mine, not with his whole being barricaded around me. So much so that I'm beginning to feel like a monster. I'm beginning to feel like I could hurt him...Surely all this guard can't be up for me? Unless... wait a minute...unless I get to him. Unless I have an effect on him....I do, don't I, have a effect on him? Either way I would like to be able to stretch my hand towards him with out him flinching away like I'm diseased. But that will always be it and all this has been in my head. Maybe I did think up that one fantastic night where we gave it our all and fell away from each other exhausted and satisfied....but my God did it feel real! And what about that spark, i felt it and so did he, so I mustn't be making this thing up. He has been caught starring at me as if he was offering me the lead role in his favorite fantasy. And at night I have been caught watching him sleep. But still with all this we are both dead and somehow prisoners to what our bodies truly what to say to each other. I'm other his skin, I know it! But i don't know what to do with it. So, now I bake a cake, you know, to show him that there were no hard feelings about our futile efforts to recreate that first night..... I just can't help but wonder still...