They say I’m too complicated, that I look too deep into things. They say I need to calm down and that I’m too emotional for my own good, an over-thinker is what they call me. But am in wrong to want to be with someone? Am I just too into things, am I the only one that feels nowadays? Has having feelings really become overrated? What do you do when you’ve hit it off with someone and you feel engulfed with emotions and it’s not the type you can keep its either you give it up or watch it destroy you...... breaks you up sanity by sanity! When you’re with this person or around this person you have to hide the smile that’s threatening to rip your face in half or the glow that emits from you when they brush up against you. Do they know how hard it is to keep yourself in check when you’re around this person? You have to have your guard up but for the wrong reasons, these guards aren’t for your protection but for the protection of the one you desire. It’s a lot of effort and it wears you down, these guards begin to get so heavy and eventually start leaving bruises all over you. The pain you feel is unmerited. Who knew that there could be such a punishment for genuine likeness? A punishment for wanting to be with someone in the purest of ways. Who knew LIKE could be so dangerous... scares me to think what LOVE will bring. It scares me to do anything, sometimes to even breathe, like there’s a penalty for that. Nowadays it feels like the simple and natural things are the ones with the heaviest price. And I don’t get it anymore, I just don’t.... I think I might be done. I am told that I still have to go through maturity because I am easily overwhelmed by my emotions, which might be true, but at this point I am on my knees begging God with all the will power he has bestowed on me and asking him for the heart of a robot! So i can go through life and spend time with those i should easily feel for and not have to. I want the heart of a robot, one that cannot feel, that cannot hurt, will not break and needs no guards or protection..... The fact that it feels nothing is as much protection as its ever going to need. I am tired of being looked at as the girl who always wants and always likes and gets suicidal when it can never be anything more. But if only they knew of the time that has passed with just regular heart beats, with no glow, with no warmth, with no touch......then maybe they would understand why i become so fierce when presented with an opportunity to feel something. Half or most of the year I AM a ROBOT, and when you give a robot the chance at a life they could kill for it...... it’s like giving sight to the blind man and expecting him to politely decline..... Which some would do because change scares them, but not me. All I want is to give a little insight and gain understanding. To let you see that because you have met me in this state does not mean I have known nothing else, does not mean that I lack maturity, grace or control. You see me ruthless and irrational and then proceed to count my years, looking for reasons. But you know not where I come from or where I desire to be. You met me a little way into my journey and attempt to sum me up, and then you call me naive and ignorant. I have waited to feel, I have prayed to feel and that’s all i have ever done..... I have not attempted to write out history based on my own feelings or change anyone’s future..... So what crime have I really committed? But not to fear I’m sure my prayers for a new heart will soon be answered and all will be dead and gloomed in the world again.
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