If only....

I read it again and again and was really hoping for the last breath....you know the one I'm talking about.....it’s the breath a person or thing takes before it goes still, before it dies. I was really expecting that when I got the email. But it didn’t come and I was almost close to thinking that maybe I had made a mistake.....but how could I have when he easily gave up? He sent it to me because he knew that there was no chance of him finding himself again, there was no chance of things getting back to normal.....sometimes having the feeling of sadness when something comes to an end doesn't mean it’s a sign for you to go on, it just means that you are human. When someone finally throws in the towel on something that you strongly believed in, even if you've called it quits prior to this stage, it will always still hurt. And the sigh of relief your expecting might not come at that second but it will eventually come.....it only takes a while because your human and you have feelings......if only forgetting and moving was as instant and easy as falling in love sometimes…..

When?

I was the girl sitting by the window....starring down at the people on the street. The girl at the window lost in thought. The girl that secretly envied the happy couples that stopped abruptly in the middle of the busy street to kiss each other like silly children..... And the way others would look and shake their heads with an understanding smile, or a hiss of fustration. I was that girl at the window struggling to stay in my own state of mind but constantly being distracted by the buzz emitting from those around her. 

He stopped by to see me today and I had been so use to hearing him dote over me and confess his empty feelings for me over and over again that when he openly spoke of another it took me by surprise and got me listening... The manner in which he told me about the other stung. He did not say it in an informative way but in a way one that was truly happy would speak of their other.....he met me with something and I automatically thought it was for me, until he corrected me and informed me that he bought it for his other for no particular reason.... I did not recognize the animal growling in my head until he left....I realised sadly that I was jealous and I was disgusted.... It was crazy and selfish because I knew I would never venture down that road again even if he requested....but still....how could I envy his little happiness even when I  knew that it was only passing and would be short lived? 

I figured that when you start envying people like him you know your getting near the bottom, but I seem to come to terms with what exactly my problem is. Sometimes I feel my brain bursting at the seems with thoughts and beliefs. Once again I was the girl at the window watching him walk away, I can't imagine what expression lingered on my face, I forced it into the reminants of a smile, it was all I could muster up. But what ever he saw left him untouched because he kept on walking.... It occured to me that I am no longer enough to keep the likes of him entertained, I agreed we were the most unlikely but we came together nicely like bright coloured shapes on a white background. When this dawned on me I cried quickly inside and hoped that it would be enough to stop me from crying on the outside. What was going on with me,when did I stop being enough for me, when did I stop to notice,when did I evacuate the premises in my head? 

How it was suppose to be

Sat in my seat calm....eyes gently shut....i wasn’t sleeping I did not want the conversation from the occupant of the seat beside me....happy previously, we had engaged in a conversation about how things changed every time you come back home.....and as pleasant as that was, I really just couldn't be bothered....the pilot had only minutes ago announced that we were only 45mins away... My eyes still shut, had my head leaning against the window…….I still couldn’t see anything apart from clouds so I didn’t bother looking….I could feel my palms getting warm and sweaty….I was nervous…..kept my eyes closed and tried to calm myself with the fact that I was only 45mins away…..rays of sunlight were coming in through my windows…..I lifted my eyelids just a bit and I could see the dust in the sunlight….I could see them dancing to any movement made…..in the sunlight they looked like magic dust……I stupidly made myself believe that they were real fairy dust and sat perfectly still trying not to miss a sprinkle……I had always amused myself with my imagination…..the same way I had imagined this day already….how happy and CALM I would be…..I was happy, but calm was something I was not…..I could feel the plane descending and the prickly feel on my skin……the temperature was definitely rising….but then again it could just be my nerves….Gently shut my eyes again…..trying to get to the place where me and you have always been…..But I snap out of it, we were landing…you are about ten minutes from where you need to be, in my arms.



So disorientated, been sitting for six hours and constantly fidgeting, I had no idea what I looked like. I went through about four different outfits that I could have worn today and all I could settle on was a pair sweats, white sneakers and a tank top……. I had recently lost weight and I knew I looked tired right about now…..but I guess meeting you today had somehow taken over any thinking I had previous to the day of my trip……back again, picked my luggage, still standing there in the middle of the busy lobby…….people shouting at each other and generally flustered and in a state of panic……I feel like I’m watching all this on mute…..the figures are racing past me, but I’m stuck on every second ticking past……I’m steps away from you, steps away from where you need to be, in my arms…….



The months before this exact moment race past on the inside of my eyelids…..the minor fractures we had……the jokes we shared, the times I cried and panicked because it dawned on me that I might be crazy, that this day might never come……or the million possibilities of failures leading up to this moment…….everything flashes past and stops on this one slide….. it’s one of me on my bed talking to you…..must have been in the early stages….sprawled across my bed, head tilted to the side, it looks like I could be sleeping with my eyes open……that’s how I would describe it…….describe the peace across my face but I know very well that I was not asleep in fact…..I was listening to you, my phone was tucked under my hair……and I lay perfectly still…..I slowly watched the smile spread across my face…..the peace emitting from this one slide was strong enough to touch me in the present…… my steps had been taken while in my peaceful state……I had moved unconsciously…..and now stood in front of you…..



I was standing perfectly still…..people passing in between us…. I found your eyes and decided to keep my gaze there, wasn’t going to take the risk of looking elsewhere and having my calm bubble busted….. Your presence was breath taking….. Stood so still I had no idea I wasn’t breathing…… we never broke the gaze even when you closed the gap in between us, even when you touched my face….. Even when I gasped…….. Not until you touched your lips to mine….. until I tasted you for the first…. until all the descriptions over the last couple of months made sense…… until I created space for you in my bubble…..not until we shut out everyone…. not until we stopped time and lived on our own….not until….not until I met you.

The Distraction *hmmm...*

So of recent I've been into this particular person and its.......I don't know what its like, I mean it was very unexpected. It started off from twitter as usual and I got to say, even I'm shocked at present. I still don't quite get how we got to the stage we're at. It feels bloody good, I mean at the beginning I was just too happy to welcome any distraction so I didn't turn anyone away. But I mean its been some weeks now and I got to say this has become more than the distraction, I find myself needing distractions to try and get away from this distraction. If you tell me to put my finger on what originated this I can't. I've had a good few distraction in the last few weeks and I didn't give anyone of 'em any attention cuz the truth of the matter is that I only wanted them around to keep my phones buzzing and forcing me to pay attention to other things. Everyone of these distractions all made their marks but I mean its a few weeks in now and I'm looking forward to messages during the day and calls at night from this one dark distraction. Its still early days and I can't really say anything so I guess i'm just giving you the heads up!

Sigh of Relief

ok so this really seems like Deja Vu right about...but hang on a minute... Nah, its gone..anyway, I'm still getting my hair did, and yes I did say 'did'..get with it! Anyway, so I was talking with my friend this morning on Gtalk and we some how came round to talking about the last person I was involved in, I told him that tomorrow would be my one month anniversary, and he asked ' one month anniversary from what?' I said my freedom...its been one month since the....what you call it?...ok one month since we ended it, and I do feel that I have come a long way....my friend however didnt. He said I had this front about  not giving a s*** but yet I had counted and made a mental note of the date, I told him that I did that because i refused to belittle what I had been through and just how well I have come out after it all.....while I was saying this, I was pretty sure that that was how I truly felt...but about 6hours later and I am just not sure anymore. I mean the said person has been stubborn about my no contact policy and has been calling me and sending me messages about how he misses me. At first I was annoyed that he had refused to leave me alone....I felt that it was highly asshole-ish of him not to consider how much talking to him would rip into me, seeing as the previous wound he gave me still needed daily dressing changes, but still I would pick up. And at first I would always come off a bit shaky, and I didn't know what tone to use, and i was pretty sure I come off sounding constipated :p but oh well....eventually i felt that during and after the conversations I would feel NOTHING...in fact I would feel nothing until maybe later on during the day when i would reflect on the activities of my day, and even then it was no longer big enough to steal my peace of mind at night. And it wouldn't wake me up in the morning with dread deep in my gut....so I was making great progress..... at least thats what i still think.

But I mean I have come a long way from a month ago where I was pitifully pathetic. I really have, and I'm pretty sure I don't give a s*** anymore. So am I lying to myself?....it doesn't feel that way. When it first happened I didn't try to not think about, I didn't try to solve anything, I made a conscious effort to feel the pain...I sat still on nights let the ripping noise from my chest take over my body. I also realised that its extremely painful, but it does pass away a whole lot faster. I mean, thats exactly what I'm on about...I wallowed in my pain and misery.... I have done my freaking time, so I shouldn't feel cocky to say that I am now at a stage where I don't give a s***, it's the prize I get for not running away from it. I'm better now and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel any different....My friend asked me how I know I'm well now, I told him theres a constant sigh of relief on replay in my head, it came on the morning of Day 3. At first it was very faint and I couldn't really hear in, but the more time I took to sit still the louder it became. Sometimes you need to stop the weeping and sighing...sometimes you just need to sit still and breathe, get yourself together.....listen to the heart sigh in relief....its healing, thats what it means.....*breathe in*.... *breathe out*.

Bottom line is that I have done my time so I don't care if it sounds cocky, I don't give a s*** now and I doubt I will later, I worked hard to get to here and I'm not about to belittle my efforts. My sigh of relief has come, my heart beats are regulated again and it feels good and normal.

Good Friday: The Day Christ was Crucified and Toy was Taken Away

Happy Easter everyone!

I hope everyone had fun, I didn't get up to much. I had a fashion show I was working on and it was hella fun......Met a lot of designers from London and other African countries. I must say that I was very inspired, some of the designs were breath taking and truly original. I was literally drooling over most of them. It was inspiring because the majority of designers were  very young ambitious women and it was just incredible to see them all in their true element taking charge. some of the designers present where MsMi, Bot I Lma, Deiko, Afro-Chique .Ngone, Deenola...to mention a few. There was also AFro-ropean which was the designer that I was working with on the show. I was quite happy to be working with this particular designer as she gave me the liberty to go crazy with the looks of the models, and she also took on alot of my advice on the styles. I was in charge of music and choreographing the catwalk for our models and that was super fun as well, I also meant a lot of influential people too.

It was rather unfortunate that on Good Friday as we were appreciating just how talented young people are, another young person was being killed on the other side of town for being black. How I found was through my friend who lives in the neighbourhood, its a neighbourhood where I have spent a lot of my time over the last few years. This is the first of such crime. It was a racial killing. Tyrellstown is a neighbourhood largely populated by non nationals. It is home for a lot of Nigerians and other nationals, so it came as a shock to us to find out that it was a racial killing and a brutal one for that matter.

Toy and a group of his friends were making their way home around 6 o'clock in the evening, I'm pretty sure they all just lived a couple of blocks away from each other. As they were all walking down an Irish started throwing racial insults at them which the boys challenged. It got a bit intense, and the Irish man went into his house and came back with a knife. At this point, the boys all started running away, the Irish man turned on Toy's best mate and Toy intervened  and was grabbed by the Irish man and got a knife thrust into his heart and twisted. Its said that the man laughed while he twisted and yanked the knife out. Toyosi was left on the floor clutching at his chest. At this point all his friends had gone, and where he got the strength to make ten minute walk, I will never know. At first his friends thought he was joking, as he had always been a light hearted guy and  no one could have imagined that it would turn into something so brutal, but when he eventually collapsed on the ground the hysterics really started. He lay on the street still clutching his chest and bleeding,all the while gasping for air that was readily becoming harder and harder for him to take in. Thats where my friend met him on her way back from work, at first she thought it was her younger brother and broke through the crowd trying to get clarification, but alas, it wasn't her brother, but the body of another close to her brothers age just minute away from his death. By the time help arrived young Toy was already dead in the arms of his best mate. Hysteria and anger washed over every young and old soul within the vicinity. It was tragic and completely unexpected....Toy was a boy with a promising future in football and he had lived in Ireland all his life, he was practically Irish, wish was the irony. The killer was said to have been yelling "Go back to your f*** country!", this was his country, it had been all he'd ever known for almost all his life. But his skin colour betrayed him, and even though his yells of protest came out in the strong Irish accent, it wasn't strong enough to make this psychopath stop and think.

I do not have any strong political views on this, or any great lines on racism....But, I do feel a great sadness in my heart, it did not have to end like that. The knife was not meant to be wedged in his heart, but in the eyes of the killer there was no specific victim, all he saw was the colour brown. One person had already died on behalf of all of us that day, Toyosi did not need to die for another.....