ok so this really seems like Deja Vu right about...but hang on a minute... Nah, its gone..anyway, I'm still getting my hair did, and yes I did say 'did'..get with it! Anyway, so I was talking with my friend this morning on Gtalk and we some how came round to talking about the last person I was involved in, I told him that tomorrow would be my one month anniversary, and he asked ' one month anniversary from what?' I said my freedom...its been one month since the....what you call it?...ok one month since we ended it, and I do feel that I have come a long way....my friend however didnt. He said I had this front about not giving a s*** but yet I had counted and made a mental note of the date, I told him that I did that because i refused to belittle what I had been through and just how well I have come out after it all.....while I was saying this, I was pretty sure that that was how I truly felt...but about 6hours later and I am just not sure anymore. I mean the said person has been stubborn about my no contact policy and has been calling me and sending me messages about how he misses me. At first I was annoyed that he had refused to leave me alone....I felt that it was highly asshole-ish of him not to consider how much talking to him would rip into me, seeing as the previous wound he gave me still needed daily dressing changes, but still I would pick up. And at first I would always come off a bit shaky, and I didn't know what tone to use, and i was pretty sure I come off sounding constipated :p but oh well....eventually i felt that during and after the conversations I would feel NOTHING...in fact I would feel nothing until maybe later on during the day when i would reflect on the activities of my day, and even then it was no longer big enough to steal my peace of mind at night. And it wouldn't wake me up in the morning with dread deep in my gut....so I was making great progress..... at least thats what i still think.
But I mean I have come a long way from a month ago where I was pitifully pathetic. I really have, and I'm pretty sure I don't give a s*** anymore. So am I lying to myself?....it doesn't feel that way. When it first happened I didn't try to not think about, I didn't try to solve anything, I made a conscious effort to feel the pain...I sat still on nights let the ripping noise from my chest take over my body. I also realised that its extremely painful, but it does pass away a whole lot faster. I mean, thats exactly what I'm on about...I wallowed in my pain and misery.... I have done my freaking time, so I shouldn't feel cocky to say that I am now at a stage where I don't give a s***, it's the prize I get for not running away from it. I'm better now and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel any different....My friend asked me how I know I'm well now, I told him theres a constant sigh of relief on replay in my head, it came on the morning of Day 3. At first it was very faint and I couldn't really hear in, but the more time I took to sit still the louder it became. Sometimes you need to stop the weeping and sighing...sometimes you just need to sit still and breathe, get yourself together.....listen to the heart sigh in relief....its healing, thats what it means.....*breathe in*.... *breathe out*.
Bottom line is that I have done my time so I don't care if it sounds cocky, I don't give a s*** now and I doubt I will later, I worked hard to get to here and I'm not about to belittle my efforts. My sigh of relief has come, my heart beats are regulated again and it feels good and normal.
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