When?

I was the girl sitting by the window....starring down at the people on the street. The girl at the window lost in thought. The girl that secretly envied the happy couples that stopped abruptly in the middle of the busy street to kiss each other like silly children..... And the way others would look and shake their heads with an understanding smile, or a hiss of fustration. I was that girl at the window struggling to stay in my own state of mind but constantly being distracted by the buzz emitting from those around her. 

He stopped by to see me today and I had been so use to hearing him dote over me and confess his empty feelings for me over and over again that when he openly spoke of another it took me by surprise and got me listening... The manner in which he told me about the other stung. He did not say it in an informative way but in a way one that was truly happy would speak of their other.....he met me with something and I automatically thought it was for me, until he corrected me and informed me that he bought it for his other for no particular reason.... I did not recognize the animal growling in my head until he left....I realised sadly that I was jealous and I was disgusted.... It was crazy and selfish because I knew I would never venture down that road again even if he requested....but still....how could I envy his little happiness even when I  knew that it was only passing and would be short lived? 

I figured that when you start envying people like him you know your getting near the bottom, but I seem to come to terms with what exactly my problem is. Sometimes I feel my brain bursting at the seems with thoughts and beliefs. Once again I was the girl at the window watching him walk away, I can't imagine what expression lingered on my face, I forced it into the reminants of a smile, it was all I could muster up. But what ever he saw left him untouched because he kept on walking.... It occured to me that I am no longer enough to keep the likes of him entertained, I agreed we were the most unlikely but we came together nicely like bright coloured shapes on a white background. When this dawned on me I cried quickly inside and hoped that it would be enough to stop me from crying on the outside. What was going on with me,when did I stop being enough for me, when did I stop to notice,when did I evacuate the premises in my head?