Sat in my seat calm....eyes gently shut....i wasn’t sleeping I did not want the conversation from the occupant of the seat beside me....happy previously, we had engaged in a conversation about how things changed every time you come back home.....and as pleasant as that was, I really just couldn't be bothered....the pilot had only minutes ago announced that we were only 45mins away... My eyes still shut, had my head leaning against the window…….I still couldn’t see anything apart from clouds so I didn’t bother looking….I could feel my palms getting warm and sweaty….I was nervous…..kept my eyes closed and tried to calm myself with the fact that I was only 45mins away…..rays of sunlight were coming in through my windows…..I lifted my eyelids just a bit and I could see the dust in the sunlight….I could see them dancing to any movement made…..in the sunlight they looked like magic dust……I stupidly made myself believe that they were real fairy dust and sat perfectly still trying not to miss a sprinkle……I had always amused myself with my imagination…..the same way I had imagined this day already….how happy and CALM I would be…..I was happy, but calm was something I was not…..I could feel the plane descending and the prickly feel on my skin……the temperature was definitely rising….but then again it could just be my nerves….Gently shut my eyes again…..trying to get to the place where me and you have always been…..But I snap out of it, we were landing…you are about ten minutes from where you need to be, in my arms.
So disorientated, been sitting for six hours and constantly fidgeting, I had no idea what I looked like. I went through about four different outfits that I could have worn today and all I could settle on was a pair sweats, white sneakers and a tank top……. I had recently lost weight and I knew I looked tired right about now…..but I guess meeting you today had somehow taken over any thinking I had previous to the day of my trip……back again, picked my luggage, still standing there in the middle of the busy lobby…….people shouting at each other and generally flustered and in a state of panic……I feel like I’m watching all this on mute…..the figures are racing past me, but I’m stuck on every second ticking past……I’m steps away from you, steps away from where you need to be, in my arms…….
The months before this exact moment race past on the inside of my eyelids…..the minor fractures we had……the jokes we shared, the times I cried and panicked because it dawned on me that I might be crazy, that this day might never come……or the million possibilities of failures leading up to this moment…….everything flashes past and stops on this one slide….. it’s one of me on my bed talking to you…..must have been in the early stages….sprawled across my bed, head tilted to the side, it looks like I could be sleeping with my eyes open……that’s how I would describe it…….describe the peace across my face but I know very well that I was not asleep in fact…..I was listening to you, my phone was tucked under my hair……and I lay perfectly still…..I slowly watched the smile spread across my face…..the peace emitting from this one slide was strong enough to touch me in the present…… my steps had been taken while in my peaceful state……I had moved unconsciously…..and now stood in front of you…..
I was standing perfectly still…..people passing in between us…. I found your eyes and decided to keep my gaze there, wasn’t going to take the risk of looking elsewhere and having my calm bubble busted….. Your presence was breath taking….. Stood so still I had no idea I wasn’t breathing…… we never broke the gaze even when you closed the gap in between us, even when you touched my face….. Even when I gasped…….. Not until you touched your lips to mine….. until I tasted you for the first…. until all the descriptions over the last couple of months made sense…… until I created space for you in my bubble…..not until we shut out everyone…. not until we stopped time and lived on our own….not until….not until I met you.
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