lost train of thought.... AGAIN

So recently i've been feeling bitter and i can't for the life of me place my finger on what it is.... but i was a pretty happy kid growing up, or was i? my brothers all had terror stories of the havoc they caused when they were younger but surprisingly i don't and i think that bugs me. why didn't i have that 'do something totally childish and irrational nature' as a child. its almost like i was mature as a child, and no, i didn't have a clean slate either... i did the things that other kids did, like loose my grandmothers real gold earrings that my mum made me wear (i only ever managed to lose the one though, or part of one, the other was always very intact). Or come back home with disgraceful looking socks and woeful grades, and i mean WOEFUL. How i ever scaled this far education wise puzzles the s*** out of me, honest to God. Yea, so anyway i did all the regular stuff as a kid, and i wasn't quiet or nothing, when in my element i've been told to talk till the moon replaced the sun and even sometimes in my sleep. But at other times i would go quiet and think about things that had no business messing with my head and that age... but those were the things i would let consume my mind....i still think about those things now but i suppose its not frowned upon as much, as i am an adult and should be able to control my thoughts ( still can't though). when it comes at me its like a virus and hits me hard with infection. My mum still makes jokes of how i loved sleep as a child and still do now... we used to joke that at birth i was so busy sleeping during labour that the doctor had to give my ma an emergency c-section. but i don't think it was that at all... i think sleep was the place i would run to justify not being able to control the rapid spreading infection. you're not in control of your thoughts when you sleep, and i'd much rather prefer my mind being taken over in a peaceful state than when i was awake and somehow aware of what was happening. even when i have nightmares, i wake up sobbing and still run back to the same sleep to get away from it. i suppose in your dreams you live your thoughts, so you can sort of see what their like in action or watch yourself go through the motions. somethings when thoughts are acted out they're not all bad and other things you just have to keep as thoughts and never more. i say i can't watch horror flicks cause i don't wanna give my mind something to work on when i'm 'unaware'...some horrifying things i see scare me and not because of the disturbing nature of the scene....no not that, but because i've already thought bout it without any inspiration.... just all on my own and sometimes a whole lot worse....but here i am again running against my mind, i've now lost the finishing line and i'm lost in general.... *sigh of frustration* happens all the time, reasons why i don't do this often...the min i wake my mind up and shove and kick for inspiration it wakes.... but only out of anger...and to spite me, it runs faster than i am able to catch up and i get lost... irritated and surrender....

DEAR SISTER

My sister, I'm aware that we are to some extent unaware of each other, but still I call you this, from one woman to another..... I call you my sister. I must commend you on your beauty and worth, because no matter how horribly discoloured our souls and hearts maybe they are still worth something, be it nothing at all. I also commend you on all your efforts despite them being regrettably futile..... because at first you see, it might have seemed like you were reaping the fruit of your labour after sowing your seeds in a field that was never yours.... but money makes the world go round they say, and those that say money it isn't everything, are the ones that don't have it.


You thought you could buy this particular field, and congratulations are in order, because it became yours. The funny thing though was that there was nothing uncommonly attractive about this thing you so adamantly sought. But the love and hope I had was infectious and you were hooked. It became your obsession for maybe the poorest of reasons, I will never know. You watched as a sister parted with her investments in silence, you heard the heavy sobs that travelled through the night, but you shut your window. I was a sister but at that moment, guilt left you with a blind eye towards me. And besides, how could you ever see? I was absent from the transaction, and you absent for the loud cracks of my heart and starvation on grief. Your palace high and lofty, no real reason for you to look down below....not even for a sister. So night in and out I rocked myself back and forth missing the one thing that was truly mine. The town's people soon made me the heard but unseen, I was written off as an outcast. With time I gained back what was left of me and thought no more of the departed. I gave up sowing seeds for fear of having yet another part of me bargained away in my absence; I regained myself and spirit and silenced the whispers of mourning ( I was ONLY able to silence them).


It wasn't long before disaster and melancholy followed suit. Your new purchase at first bore plants at a speedy rate, strong and beautiful, you were proud. You boasted of your obvious triumph, those were your seeds blossoming at an alarming rate. But as fast as they blossomed so did they die. You panicked and it caused you great grief at twilight, well wishers of before stood by the way side puzzled. You howled into the night in pain and shame, still no reflection of your past. This field had been YOUR possession, you protested. Your happiness; it had kept you upright in the eye of the public. This thing that you had invested so much in now made a fool of you in the presence of your advisors. The same advisors who cheered you on when you gained possession of it, now stood in your court licking your ego in the most condescending of ways. But still your pain and genuine unhappiness would haunt you at night because unknown to them, this field was YOUR EVERYTHING! So many seeds sown at late hours of the night in secrecy, seeds that you couldn't let anyone know about, not even your advisors, now all wasted. And that was the cause of your greatest pain, the lost of these seeds, what could have blossomed but now, never will. With time the shame became unbearable, this field was barren, the  sight of it was as unpleasant as the significance it held. You ordered its removal, claiming it had been laced with infestations from the start. 


At first I did not know what to do with it, it was my possession when it left but came back something a bit different. For days I watched on with no action. I was reluctant to sow anything for fear of going through YOUR heart ache. Your pain had become legendary and I was in no rush to add to that particular history. But still there was something in me aching to get out there... Weeks flew with still nothing and I watched on. But at the first sign of growth I began to feel alive again, as though I myself were growing too. I worked hard at its restoration, it took some time. mother nature had been interfered with, its natural course had not been run and damage sat deep in the roots. Day and night I toiled.... my blood...... my sweat.... my tears. But as usual you were not there to witness my care, so you could never have known. But is it or was it enough to assume that as your only flaw?


 You are a sister, and as one you would have felt all that I feel for this field in your past, and you should have recognised the truth and pureness of it all. But sadly you must have been consumed with a hunger and need so deep that instincts failed you. I became INVISIBLE and you INVINCIBLE. But still on nights like this where  I sit and muse over my possession, I cannot help but wonder about you, a sister. My heart aches for you. I shed hidden tears for you and your loss, because even though rage so vivid should nest in my soul, I cannot help but feel not for you but with you. I too am a sister and feel only what you feel but will not show. I too have looked on others covetously and felt my heart turn green, but atlas, it was all I can do.....just look. See I am moved by ownership and self worth. I believe in letting your possession claim you and not you claiming what has not chosen you. So, on nights like these, I pray such attributes on you, that they my guide you to what is truly yours..... Because when the nights are darkest and cold, it is enough to warm you from the inside, it is enough to generate a bubble of peace for yourself.... and most importantly it is enough for you to never lose sight of a SISTER.

Inspiration>>>> The Very Talented BEZ "MORE YOU"

Bez - More You from Kemi Adetiba on Vimeo.


I want more u, to make me feel.....

'Cause at times i see but can’t touch you and it hits me that taunt is her name and illusion is her game,

But i want more you, more me, more us...

I want more.... more of what we wanted.

More of the beginning and the sweetness it brought with ...

Now we are carved images in our own home... our home my heart....

Resounding echoes of heart beats from long ago.

We stand, faces turned away from one another but we're honestly turned away from the truth....

WE are truth... we are or were THE truth,  we were made to shame them...

Them the scoffers.... their bait, impending doom and the destruction of our right...

We are together but this internal war has been waged for so long,
death seems an apt exit.

You’re here, I’m here... but our absence lurks in shadows of our past union.

The FORGOTTEN...

 And from death, more of you i still want...

to touch your solids.... and stare at your hearts surface,

Waiting an eternity, if i have to for the flesh to move,
signify life again...

I want more you.... yes you...

I want more you and none of them.... just you

Come touch me and end the soft but penetrating aches streaming through my chest...

Come love me in this blizzard, make me still in the eye of it all,
calm me from within...

Yes i want more you...fists of you... buckets of you, just more...

But sometimes...
the more of you i get the more my heart hardens.
i try to let the warmth in...

completely open but all i feel is cold... and the painful process of the my heart changing.

But yet i want more you....
can not tell u more of what exactly...

What drives me, 
i do not understand.... 
is it the hope i feel or the assurance of pain....

Or YOU...
I do not know, but i want more...

More of whatever it is you offer...
 forever and ever comes into play

Whatever you dish i will always want more given that it is always you ...

More.... i want....

I want more you....

POINTLESS... I KNOW IT

I openly voice out my fears here, i can understand that wanting something bad enough is never ever enough for you to get it... but when there's opposition then what really is the point? You are the eye and core of my affection...you are the princes and heroes i have dreamt of long before i could translate... i had you, then lost you, and thinking about it now, that should have been enough for me to realise that i never really had you.... you don't lose things you had unless by your own doing... but i did nothing wrong... i loved you religiously, i did it right down to the books, if such books exist. But then the saying comes into play, you have to fight to keep things that God didn't give you himself. And now i understand that the first time was enough for me, or should have been enough for me to understand. And to think it happened three times and it only hits home now...the light just came on.... and sometimes i think understanding softens the blow and helps you let go that bit easier.... i love, i really do love, but I'm trying to be smart enough to not love what isn't wholly mine. I have lost you to the same thing over and over... it indicates that there is a connection... not love but a connection....i can't place my finger on it...but its winning over me... it wins every time you sit, take my face in your hands, look into my eyes and say that you love me... yes, even then it wins, 'cause love is not enough, it has never been enough....I am beginning to question if it has any value at all...and if indeed it has no value then i might as well be worthless, 'cause lord knows that's all i have to give.... thats all i have ever given... and yet my connection remains a single string...and what good is that against chains? I wish i was allowed to love for two, because believe me, i have that much love for you....but its worthless and I'm sick of fighting a fruitless battle...one that stops but never ends...one that keeps you engaged for years, while your youth wastes away...only to assure you that you had been defeated from the minute your amour was completely put together.... and that you have never had what it takes to win.... POINTLESS.

#untitled

You know some times it’s so dark and I feel like i can feel it hugging me. I know i can’t see anything but i hear it in my head so i reach out anyway, i stumble around literally blindly. But somehow you find me. I don’t know how, but you always find me, you always get me. The amount of unending falls i have fallen and the amount of times you have swooped me in your arms.... you are my angel..... My undeserving angel. You carry me through everything. Through the thickest forest with branches snatching at me, you walk boldly and part ways for me with the aura of Moses and i am speechless all the time..... i am in love every time and stay in love..... How can i not? You are my prince charming and i laugh because my fairytale has not been written yet, but with you i am at least certain that i will have one. Your presence promises me things i am not even bold enough to dream about, stories that i am too scared to read because i know they will never be mine..... But then you’re here and it would be plain insulting of me to not to grab these dreams that i have unconsciously put on pedestals. The outlines of who i am are more defined when you take my hands in yours, and the riot in my head comes to a halt. i am somehow magically able to control things.... i walk boldly just the way you taught me by simply walking with me. I am in straight awe of you and how you have made me feel like art.... i feel abstract but it doesn’t scare me cause you define me effortlessly without words. Smiles of yours have carved love hearts on my chest....when presented with the question ‘what are you?’ i say, ‘i am wise, different, i am loving, i am in the making, i am THE princess, i am happily ever’ because of you, i am bold as brass in the face of this question.... you have become me time and time again when i wasn’t enough, but finally i can say i am you...... and it feels good.

This Lover of Mine......

This Lover of mine..... *insert smiley face here* Where do I start?  Just where do I start, and how? I mean this lover of mine; it's hard for me to find the words to even just start. I cannot give the definition of this lover of mine, I am not even sure if love is big enough. The way He has me is scary, sometimes I run from the sheer intensity of it. The fact that I can find no understanding in the love makes me not want to think about. It is unmerited, I am the most undeserving, and I have proved that point every day. But this lover of mine just won't give in. I have closed my eyes at night and expected them never to open again, that kind of undeserving is what I am. Never in life has an individual been as hurtful as I have been to this lover of mine. He has seen the dirtiest and most hateful things about me, but still loves. I doubt he has have ever seen the loving side of me, and yet He still loves. The love sometimes makes me angry, because at some stage I feel like it's almost mocking and sneering at me. This love has made me paranoid and nearly driven me mad. You cannot fathom why and how such a love can exist in this constant orbit of hate, but it engulfs and surpasses any form of hate, even the ones hell worthy. Think of the most unforgiving thing and my Lover has, can and will beat it. My God! This lover! Where do I start without tears rushing down my face and guilt stabbing deep into the beating thing in my chest, just where? This love gets me lost every time I try to break it down. And it's just not any run of the mill lover, no no no, this lover is 'THE' Lover! What he commands on the daily is tremble worthy, what he holds in his hand brings you to your knees! Imagine running intentionally in the opposite direction of what you really need because of fear of the kind of love this lover possesses for you. It's like living with the manufacturer but going out of your way to question the product. The product that has no understanding, the product that you know cannot answer your questions. Yes my Lover is the manufacturer of...... EVERYTHING. He manufactured the beating thing in my chest and the two things that keep sighing in my chest. He also manufactured my ten years from now and then some. And can you imagine me waking up every morning and not saying anything to this lover of mine? Going to bed angry and refusing to talk to this lover of mine, the sheer the stupidity of me is baffling at best! Or, just imagine me going round on this earth for months confused about what will happen next when my lover is the manufacturer of my future???? Do you know how insulting it is when I try to control the gift he has given me, trying to make myself the manufacturer of my own life! And my lover could blink and take this gift away from me, but He doesn't! You see why I was saying that this love is CRAZY and how love isn't a big enough word, I mean how do you even start to explain that? Can you explain it? I live with a King but I'm hell bent on being a common and then have the nerve to complain in rage even though the option to live majestically has been given since birth. This lover of mine..... This lover of mine.... This lover of mine..... What can I say, I guess it's just God..... Literally

........

I wanted to make him happy,so i made a cake, you know to prove to him that there was no qualms about the other night. I mean i was in his house, it was the least i could do.But everything just seemed so weird now from how we had originally planned it. Not that we had anything concrete planned, but the outlines were starting to look promising....but I should have known that we were both stuck in the moment, or in transit...the transit we had to make from the unexpected back to the expected. That gap never takes long to close. But we made plans anyway and last night happened. it could have been better, it was odd, granted, but it could have been better, we're much more capable of a better performance, we've got it in us....I know we do. But it was all so pitiful and childish. We had made it this far, the least we could do was make the sex worth while...you know, go with the motions and not be too attached....it would be a case of ' get mine, you get yours'. I  mean it could have been anything and yet it was just 'that'. Not that i'm easy or nothing but I was willing to engage in something more productive than our ' who can keep silent the longest game', don't get me wrong, its fun and all, but I just prefer the idea of both of us tumbling around loudly in pleasure, no?

I mean the most awkward thing that could happen between us has already happened, so why all the squirming.

It's just day after day of passing him in hall ways, with mumbles of pleasantries that I have now chosen to ignore. But its driving me crazy because its there! I've seen it when I caught him looking at me while I was changing, I felt it when I caught a glimpse of him topless. I've imagined it when his hand brushed against my thigh unintentionally.He felt that spark, I can tell from the way he quickly withdrew his hand.....like it was heat. Imagine what we could make with all this. Imagine stories we could illustrate with all this! We could howl and moan un-composed melodies into the night! If only he would just think about it....if only i could grab his hand and take him up into my mind, if only I could give him a tour of our grand plans. Probably never be able to take his hands in mine, not with his whole being barricaded around me. So much so that I'm beginning to feel like a monster. I'm beginning to feel like I could hurt him...Surely all this guard can't be up for me? Unless... wait a minute...unless I get to him. Unless I have an effect on him....I do, don't I, have a effect on him? Either way I would like to be able to stretch my hand towards him with out him flinching away like I'm diseased. But that will always be it and all this has been in my head. Maybe I did think up that one fantastic night where we gave it our all and fell away from each other exhausted and satisfied....but my God did it feel real! And what about that spark, i felt it and so did he, so I mustn't be making this thing up. He has been caught starring at me as if he was offering me the lead role in his favorite fantasy. And at night I have been caught watching him sleep. But still with all this we are both dead and somehow prisoners to what our bodies truly what to say to each other. I'm other his skin, I know it! But i don't know what to do with it. So, now I bake a cake, you know, to show him that there were no hard feelings about our futile efforts to recreate that first night..... I just can't help but wonder still... 

first rant......

They say I’m too complicated, that I look too deep into things. They say I need to calm down and that I’m too emotional for my own good, an over-thinker is what they call me. But am in wrong to want to be with someone? Am I just too into things, am I the only one that feels nowadays? Has having feelings really become overrated? What do you do when you’ve hit it off with someone and you feel engulfed with emotions and it’s not the type you can keep its either you give it up or watch it destroy you...... breaks you up sanity by sanity! When you’re with this person or around this person you have to hide the smile that’s threatening to rip your face in half or the glow that emits from you when they brush up against you. Do they know how hard it is to keep yourself in check when you’re around this person? You have to have your guard up but for the wrong reasons, these guards aren’t for your protection but for the protection of the one you desire. It’s a lot of effort and it wears you down, these guards begin to get so heavy and eventually start leaving bruises all over you. The pain you feel is unmerited. Who knew that there could be such a punishment for genuine likeness?  A punishment for wanting to be with someone in the purest of ways. Who knew LIKE could be so dangerous... scares me to think what LOVE will bring. It scares me to do anything, sometimes to even breathe, like there’s a penalty for that. Nowadays it feels like the simple and natural things are the ones with the heaviest price. And I don’t get it anymore, I just don’t.... I think I might be done. I am told that I still have to go through maturity because I am easily overwhelmed by my emotions, which might be true, but at this point I am on my knees begging God with all the will power he has bestowed on me and asking him for the heart of a robot! So i can go through life and spend time with those i should easily feel for and not have to. I want the heart of a robot, one that cannot feel, that cannot hurt, will not break and needs no guards or protection..... The fact that it feels nothing is as much protection as its ever going to need. I am tired of being looked at as the girl who always wants and always likes and gets suicidal when it can never be anything more. But if only they knew of the time that has passed with just regular heart beats, with no glow, with no warmth, with no touch......then maybe they would understand why i become so fierce when presented with an opportunity to feel something. Half or most of the year I AM a ROBOT, and when you give a robot the chance at a life they could kill for it...... it’s like giving sight to the  blind man and expecting him to politely decline..... Which some would do because change scares them, but not me. All I want is to give a little insight and gain understanding. To let you see that because you have met me in this state does not mean I have known nothing else, does not mean that I lack maturity, grace or control. You see me ruthless and irrational and then proceed to count my years, looking for reasons. But you know not where I come from or where I desire to be. You met me a little way into my journey and attempt to sum me up, and then you call me naive and ignorant. I have waited to feel, I have prayed to feel and that’s all i have ever done..... I have not attempted to write out history based on my own feelings or change anyone’s future..... So what crime have I really committed? But not to fear I’m sure my prayers for a new heart will soon be answered and all will be dead and gloomed in the world again.

ONe MOmEnT

...... There are some moments that are truly hard to describe and sometimes it feels like they lose their magic the more you tell them..... You know the moments, the ones you would happily carry to your grave. You have them on constant replay behind your eyelids. I had one of these moments..... He sat on the edge of the bed, right at the corner, and I sat directly behind him.... I’m talking up close and personal, but my legs where opened so his lower back was within my thighs. I had my arms around his waist and I would occasionally stroke up and down his chest and he would sit still and calm while I did this, daring to breathe. I lowered my head and put my ears to his back so I could hear his beat. And again he sat still for me and breathed in and out for me, just for my pleasure. We were so close that we could have been just the one person instead of separate individuals. But at this moment, we were one.... like listening to him there and then was more than what it was.....I cannot describe the peace, calmness, desire and mad want that was searing through my body at that moment. But it was like a cord connecting me to him, and I was happily enjoying the suffocation. And I knew he was feeling it too, because we were now one, so what I felt he automatically felt.... and for once in my life it felt like all was right and fair within the world, like this was how it was meant to be. In this gorgeous moment we were beautiful and different. I would have given up the rest of my unexplored life to grow old in this one moment. This moment defined what it is I have been looking for. As I sat there hearing the melody of the workings of his body, he grabbed my arms and pulled me closer to him, wrapped my arms tighter around him, like if he could he would have preferred me on the inside of him. Bliss..... That’s the one word for this moment..... Inhaling the scent of him, the beauty of our bodies wrapped so tightly.... we caught a glimpse of our reflection and his smile mirrored mine, we smiled as one. Inhaled and exhaled as one, liked as one, loved as one, lived as one......all this in One Moment.

RACES.....

My thighs were quivering but I was still willing.... It had become hot very quickly and the time from when we stood clothed till when we wrestled naked had eluded me. I could not describe how it had happened, but now my thighs were quivering and he was still hard at work, a bit too hard if you asked me. I swear at times I could have sworn that he was touching my soul with it, like I could feel the tip of something tickling in between my rib cage, trying to poke my heart! That's just how "hard" working he was. And at times when we would catch sight of each other, when I wasn't shaking my head uncontrollably back and forth or screaming into the pillow, or when he wasn't looking up to the ceiling like he was praying fervently before each deep entrance. We would each mirror one another's shock or surprise as if to say 'is that you?'. You see we were both so lost in individual endeavours that we had lost sight of who was helping us win this race. I would arch my back forward trying to get my lips to his and he would lean in to meet mine, unconsciously digging deeper and causing me to gasp for air! but I love this hard worker, I love the diligent strokes, the professional smiles,and just how he taught his tongue to stroke just as good! I do love this hard worker and the feeling he brings me not while he works HARD but after and before. thighs still quivering when my muscles are being pushed and literally stretched, how it feels to have your possession spread out in front of you and eaten! or watching areas of yourself expand to accommodate the weird and oddly shaped. It's mind baffling and thrilling, adding to the whole experience. But still this race of ours is proving to be a mental one , though the licks and thrusts are as physical as can be. when we're locked in that 5sec stare before returning to our selfish means we come into the love session of this race. But while my eyes are in the back of my head and his to the ceiling....we forget and it becomes OUR race.... OUR selfish races.

ThE SwEEtest PaiN

The sweetest pain....not the one I feel when u push hard in between my thighs but the one you cause me when I watch u in your unconscious state. The thing that hits my heart when all I want to do Is to shout out that I love u. Truth so deep that it weighs me down with the positive possibilities. I touch you passionately there and let it linger, listen to my heavy silence, I wish to pass something on to u. I love u. It all became clear to me not when I was extracted from you but when we were reunited and my heart took on a different beat that gave me relief. Did not recognise the beat because it was not mine, it was beating in synch with yours. A new beat it had learnt all on its own it your absence. Your hands carved perfectly to cradle my little ones in yours. This is the sweetest pain, not being able to tell you all this, because like a rare creature, too much activity and I'll scare u away.. And I can't have that, you were only recently discovered and all your benefits I am yet to learn .But nesting these feelings lightens me up and gives me wings. So, for this reason I remain dangerously over my limit in emotions and pray to God everyday that I don't let one escape my grasp and scare you away, because all though this is the sweetest pain, loosing you would be the finishing death.....

If only....

I read it again and again and was really hoping for the last breath....you know the one I'm talking about.....it’s the breath a person or thing takes before it goes still, before it dies. I was really expecting that when I got the email. But it didn’t come and I was almost close to thinking that maybe I had made a mistake.....but how could I have when he easily gave up? He sent it to me because he knew that there was no chance of him finding himself again, there was no chance of things getting back to normal.....sometimes having the feeling of sadness when something comes to an end doesn't mean it’s a sign for you to go on, it just means that you are human. When someone finally throws in the towel on something that you strongly believed in, even if you've called it quits prior to this stage, it will always still hurt. And the sigh of relief your expecting might not come at that second but it will eventually come.....it only takes a while because your human and you have feelings......if only forgetting and moving was as instant and easy as falling in love sometimes…..

When?

I was the girl sitting by the window....starring down at the people on the street. The girl at the window lost in thought. The girl that secretly envied the happy couples that stopped abruptly in the middle of the busy street to kiss each other like silly children..... And the way others would look and shake their heads with an understanding smile, or a hiss of fustration. I was that girl at the window struggling to stay in my own state of mind but constantly being distracted by the buzz emitting from those around her. 

He stopped by to see me today and I had been so use to hearing him dote over me and confess his empty feelings for me over and over again that when he openly spoke of another it took me by surprise and got me listening... The manner in which he told me about the other stung. He did not say it in an informative way but in a way one that was truly happy would speak of their other.....he met me with something and I automatically thought it was for me, until he corrected me and informed me that he bought it for his other for no particular reason.... I did not recognize the animal growling in my head until he left....I realised sadly that I was jealous and I was disgusted.... It was crazy and selfish because I knew I would never venture down that road again even if he requested....but still....how could I envy his little happiness even when I  knew that it was only passing and would be short lived? 

I figured that when you start envying people like him you know your getting near the bottom, but I seem to come to terms with what exactly my problem is. Sometimes I feel my brain bursting at the seems with thoughts and beliefs. Once again I was the girl at the window watching him walk away, I can't imagine what expression lingered on my face, I forced it into the reminants of a smile, it was all I could muster up. But what ever he saw left him untouched because he kept on walking.... It occured to me that I am no longer enough to keep the likes of him entertained, I agreed we were the most unlikely but we came together nicely like bright coloured shapes on a white background. When this dawned on me I cried quickly inside and hoped that it would be enough to stop me from crying on the outside. What was going on with me,when did I stop being enough for me, when did I stop to notice,when did I evacuate the premises in my head? 

How it was suppose to be

Sat in my seat calm....eyes gently shut....i wasn’t sleeping I did not want the conversation from the occupant of the seat beside me....happy previously, we had engaged in a conversation about how things changed every time you come back home.....and as pleasant as that was, I really just couldn't be bothered....the pilot had only minutes ago announced that we were only 45mins away... My eyes still shut, had my head leaning against the window…….I still couldn’t see anything apart from clouds so I didn’t bother looking….I could feel my palms getting warm and sweaty….I was nervous…..kept my eyes closed and tried to calm myself with the fact that I was only 45mins away…..rays of sunlight were coming in through my windows…..I lifted my eyelids just a bit and I could see the dust in the sunlight….I could see them dancing to any movement made…..in the sunlight they looked like magic dust……I stupidly made myself believe that they were real fairy dust and sat perfectly still trying not to miss a sprinkle……I had always amused myself with my imagination…..the same way I had imagined this day already….how happy and CALM I would be…..I was happy, but calm was something I was not…..I could feel the plane descending and the prickly feel on my skin……the temperature was definitely rising….but then again it could just be my nerves….Gently shut my eyes again…..trying to get to the place where me and you have always been…..But I snap out of it, we were landing…you are about ten minutes from where you need to be, in my arms.



So disorientated, been sitting for six hours and constantly fidgeting, I had no idea what I looked like. I went through about four different outfits that I could have worn today and all I could settle on was a pair sweats, white sneakers and a tank top……. I had recently lost weight and I knew I looked tired right about now…..but I guess meeting you today had somehow taken over any thinking I had previous to the day of my trip……back again, picked my luggage, still standing there in the middle of the busy lobby…….people shouting at each other and generally flustered and in a state of panic……I feel like I’m watching all this on mute…..the figures are racing past me, but I’m stuck on every second ticking past……I’m steps away from you, steps away from where you need to be, in my arms…….



The months before this exact moment race past on the inside of my eyelids…..the minor fractures we had……the jokes we shared, the times I cried and panicked because it dawned on me that I might be crazy, that this day might never come……or the million possibilities of failures leading up to this moment…….everything flashes past and stops on this one slide….. it’s one of me on my bed talking to you…..must have been in the early stages….sprawled across my bed, head tilted to the side, it looks like I could be sleeping with my eyes open……that’s how I would describe it…….describe the peace across my face but I know very well that I was not asleep in fact…..I was listening to you, my phone was tucked under my hair……and I lay perfectly still…..I slowly watched the smile spread across my face…..the peace emitting from this one slide was strong enough to touch me in the present…… my steps had been taken while in my peaceful state……I had moved unconsciously…..and now stood in front of you…..



I was standing perfectly still…..people passing in between us…. I found your eyes and decided to keep my gaze there, wasn’t going to take the risk of looking elsewhere and having my calm bubble busted….. Your presence was breath taking….. Stood so still I had no idea I wasn’t breathing…… we never broke the gaze even when you closed the gap in between us, even when you touched my face….. Even when I gasped…….. Not until you touched your lips to mine….. until I tasted you for the first…. until all the descriptions over the last couple of months made sense…… until I created space for you in my bubble…..not until we shut out everyone…. not until we stopped time and lived on our own….not until….not until I met you.

The Distraction *hmmm...*

So of recent I've been into this particular person and its.......I don't know what its like, I mean it was very unexpected. It started off from twitter as usual and I got to say, even I'm shocked at present. I still don't quite get how we got to the stage we're at. It feels bloody good, I mean at the beginning I was just too happy to welcome any distraction so I didn't turn anyone away. But I mean its been some weeks now and I got to say this has become more than the distraction, I find myself needing distractions to try and get away from this distraction. If you tell me to put my finger on what originated this I can't. I've had a good few distraction in the last few weeks and I didn't give anyone of 'em any attention cuz the truth of the matter is that I only wanted them around to keep my phones buzzing and forcing me to pay attention to other things. Everyone of these distractions all made their marks but I mean its a few weeks in now and I'm looking forward to messages during the day and calls at night from this one dark distraction. Its still early days and I can't really say anything so I guess i'm just giving you the heads up!

Sigh of Relief

ok so this really seems like Deja Vu right about...but hang on a minute... Nah, its gone..anyway, I'm still getting my hair did, and yes I did say 'did'..get with it! Anyway, so I was talking with my friend this morning on Gtalk and we some how came round to talking about the last person I was involved in, I told him that tomorrow would be my one month anniversary, and he asked ' one month anniversary from what?' I said my freedom...its been one month since the....what you call it?...ok one month since we ended it, and I do feel that I have come a long way....my friend however didnt. He said I had this front about  not giving a s*** but yet I had counted and made a mental note of the date, I told him that I did that because i refused to belittle what I had been through and just how well I have come out after it all.....while I was saying this, I was pretty sure that that was how I truly felt...but about 6hours later and I am just not sure anymore. I mean the said person has been stubborn about my no contact policy and has been calling me and sending me messages about how he misses me. At first I was annoyed that he had refused to leave me alone....I felt that it was highly asshole-ish of him not to consider how much talking to him would rip into me, seeing as the previous wound he gave me still needed daily dressing changes, but still I would pick up. And at first I would always come off a bit shaky, and I didn't know what tone to use, and i was pretty sure I come off sounding constipated :p but oh well....eventually i felt that during and after the conversations I would feel NOTHING...in fact I would feel nothing until maybe later on during the day when i would reflect on the activities of my day, and even then it was no longer big enough to steal my peace of mind at night. And it wouldn't wake me up in the morning with dread deep in my gut....so I was making great progress..... at least thats what i still think.

But I mean I have come a long way from a month ago where I was pitifully pathetic. I really have, and I'm pretty sure I don't give a s*** anymore. So am I lying to myself?....it doesn't feel that way. When it first happened I didn't try to not think about, I didn't try to solve anything, I made a conscious effort to feel the pain...I sat still on nights let the ripping noise from my chest take over my body. I also realised that its extremely painful, but it does pass away a whole lot faster. I mean, thats exactly what I'm on about...I wallowed in my pain and misery.... I have done my freaking time, so I shouldn't feel cocky to say that I am now at a stage where I don't give a s***, it's the prize I get for not running away from it. I'm better now and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel any different....My friend asked me how I know I'm well now, I told him theres a constant sigh of relief on replay in my head, it came on the morning of Day 3. At first it was very faint and I couldn't really hear in, but the more time I took to sit still the louder it became. Sometimes you need to stop the weeping and sighing...sometimes you just need to sit still and breathe, get yourself together.....listen to the heart sigh in relief....its healing, thats what it means.....*breathe in*.... *breathe out*.

Bottom line is that I have done my time so I don't care if it sounds cocky, I don't give a s*** now and I doubt I will later, I worked hard to get to here and I'm not about to belittle my efforts. My sigh of relief has come, my heart beats are regulated again and it feels good and normal.

Good Friday: The Day Christ was Crucified and Toy was Taken Away

Happy Easter everyone!

I hope everyone had fun, I didn't get up to much. I had a fashion show I was working on and it was hella fun......Met a lot of designers from London and other African countries. I must say that I was very inspired, some of the designs were breath taking and truly original. I was literally drooling over most of them. It was inspiring because the majority of designers were  very young ambitious women and it was just incredible to see them all in their true element taking charge. some of the designers present where MsMi, Bot I Lma, Deiko, Afro-Chique .Ngone, Deenola...to mention a few. There was also AFro-ropean which was the designer that I was working with on the show. I was quite happy to be working with this particular designer as she gave me the liberty to go crazy with the looks of the models, and she also took on alot of my advice on the styles. I was in charge of music and choreographing the catwalk for our models and that was super fun as well, I also meant a lot of influential people too.

It was rather unfortunate that on Good Friday as we were appreciating just how talented young people are, another young person was being killed on the other side of town for being black. How I found was through my friend who lives in the neighbourhood, its a neighbourhood where I have spent a lot of my time over the last few years. This is the first of such crime. It was a racial killing. Tyrellstown is a neighbourhood largely populated by non nationals. It is home for a lot of Nigerians and other nationals, so it came as a shock to us to find out that it was a racial killing and a brutal one for that matter.

Toy and a group of his friends were making their way home around 6 o'clock in the evening, I'm pretty sure they all just lived a couple of blocks away from each other. As they were all walking down an Irish started throwing racial insults at them which the boys challenged. It got a bit intense, and the Irish man went into his house and came back with a knife. At this point, the boys all started running away, the Irish man turned on Toy's best mate and Toy intervened  and was grabbed by the Irish man and got a knife thrust into his heart and twisted. Its said that the man laughed while he twisted and yanked the knife out. Toyosi was left on the floor clutching at his chest. At this point all his friends had gone, and where he got the strength to make ten minute walk, I will never know. At first his friends thought he was joking, as he had always been a light hearted guy and  no one could have imagined that it would turn into something so brutal, but when he eventually collapsed on the ground the hysterics really started. He lay on the street still clutching his chest and bleeding,all the while gasping for air that was readily becoming harder and harder for him to take in. Thats where my friend met him on her way back from work, at first she thought it was her younger brother and broke through the crowd trying to get clarification, but alas, it wasn't her brother, but the body of another close to her brothers age just minute away from his death. By the time help arrived young Toy was already dead in the arms of his best mate. Hysteria and anger washed over every young and old soul within the vicinity. It was tragic and completely unexpected....Toy was a boy with a promising future in football and he had lived in Ireland all his life, he was practically Irish, wish was the irony. The killer was said to have been yelling "Go back to your f*** country!", this was his country, it had been all he'd ever known for almost all his life. But his skin colour betrayed him, and even though his yells of protest came out in the strong Irish accent, it wasn't strong enough to make this psychopath stop and think.

I do not have any strong political views on this, or any great lines on racism....But, I do feel a great sadness in my heart, it did not have to end like that. The knife was not meant to be wedged in his heart, but in the eyes of the killer there was no specific victim, all he saw was the colour brown. One person had already died on behalf of all of us that day, Toyosi did not need to die for another.....

Ummm...

Yea, so I opened this other blog because my other blog, Jade Time, doesn't always suit other things I want to talk about...It's dark and not very light hearted, that much I know. I just wanted another space to pour out what ever is on my mind, somewhere where I could literally just say exactly how I feel with no introductions,no stanzas or verses, just how it literally is....obviously, I trust my self to get carried away with involving you lot in my fantasies. I do promise to keep it as light hearted as possible...no gloom and no grey...actually even considering get one of those uber gay templates with butterflies fluttering lazily over blooming flowers....Don't get too carried away, I only said considering...Ok now I'm running out of things to say and I'm getting my hair did so I have to go, but I promise to come back with some hard core ranting and rambling! Oh and before I forget...WELCOME, this is the Gift That Keeps On Giving.